Pondering Thoughts
It’s been a minute since I’ve jumped on and just shared feelings. Awhile back I wrote a post about Instagram’s algorithm. I posted about how I was taking back my creativity and focusing less on the “engagement” aspects of content creation. Now I’m here, at the best place I’ve ever felt when it came to my creativity, yet at a total and complete loss for my self worth in this industry.
I have met so many inspiring people here, and somehow have inspired some of you. I am so grateful everyday for what I do. This was a dream for me, something that I always strived for but my logical self would never let happen. My loss of self worth hasn’t just appeared in this industry, it’s been a longstanding issue I’ve held to myself for years. I’ve focused on building other people’s businesses yet denied myself the credit and compliments I deserved. I’ve constantly felt I needed to continue growing my talents at work without compensation from superiors, whether monetarily or verbally. All that to be said, it leads to you feeling helpless, lost, confused, and never good enough. Recently I’ve pondered why my work seems to get better but opportunities grow smaller. I’ve wondered, am I doing this right?
In the past few weeks it’s been a hard pill to swallow and while I know it’s been there all along (I’ve even acknowledged it many times) I am working in an environment where my value is much lower than my white counter parts. I’ve been paid less for every single shared project yet always produce more. I’ve been made to feel special, that I’m appreciated and valued, and been blatantly taken advantage of. It’s the cycle of not knowing your own self worth. From hearing NO so many times when you ask for the bare minimum that gets you to stop wanting to even try and advocate for yourself. I’ve had brands reach out and reply with no budgets yet turn around to two white friends and offer payment outright. While brands are hoping to bring diversity into play, it’s not actually worth any sort of monetary compensation in their eyes. Their mind has never idolized someone like me, so why would they see value in me? We’ve shifted from worrying about follower counts and “numbers” to talent and creativity. While it’s a good thing to base worth off of talent you end up being dealt into a world where you are now being valued on appearances, wealth and race. For the first time in my life there is an obvious shift from being judged on talent alone.
I’ve never wanted to be the person to blame low periods of work or success on anyone but myself. I always just encouraged myself that I needed to work harder, grow to certain points, gain the kind of engagement that others had to reap the same benefits of interest. As I’ve continued down that path, checked off goals and nurtured relationships I still found myself at a severe deficit in comparison. What made me less worthy to receive compensation for my work. It wasn’t just an assumption anymore, there were receipts to what the value of my work looked like in comparison to others. While my numbers reigned high as far as engagement, it wasn’t worth it at the end of the day. Did I say something wrong? Was my email back too friendly or weighed down with too many exclamation marks?
I know that this is what you get for signing up for this industry. But it comes to a point where you can’t even rationalize why you aren’t being treated the same as others. There isn’t a way to work harder, to grow more than you already are, to attract relationships that are actually real. You can only be yourself and hope for the best. While some may take this as a cry for attention, to me, it’s a reminder to be better in this world. That my focus needs to shift to bigger and better things. To align with those who hope for the same in this world. There is no point in begging to be included in a space with no room for me, but better to create new and exciting places for those like me.